Need for Speed or, "Something Other Than Gross Noises"

Last night Boyfriend dropped his car off to be fixed. That means we went home in a fancy new car. Boyfriend got out to pull my car out of the driveway so that fancy new car was tucked in away from our sketchy street. Roommate told him he'd pull fancy new car into the driveway.

I undid my seatbelt, ready to get out, when Roommate said, "want to see Boyfriend freak out? hang on!" and tore down the street like a crazy person. Boyfriend was not too happy.

Completely fucking reckless.

More noises.

Roommate and Boyfriend just got home from work. I'm watching tv on the couch. Roommate just came into the doorway, chewing loudly. Then he came and sat next to us, chewing loudly. Then Boyfriend said, "do you always chew with your mouth open?" Most people would be a little embarrassed and try to stop. Not Roommate though. This, of course, made him chew more loudly and even drink loudly, just to be annoying.

Not a grown up.

Really, just be quiet.

So Boyfriend and I were just watching tv and relaxing. Roommate came home and sounded like a tornado. He slammed the front door and ran up the stairs with lead feet, before coming into the living room and speaking over the TV for the last 15 minutes of the episode.

He continues to make the crazy snorting noise with his nose- it's like sniffling, if sniffling was on steroids. I'm sure that it's damaging his nose and maybe brain.

Once my show ended, he hooked his computer up to the tv.. and now we're watching a college swim meet. Boyfriend is in the shower and I've been ignoring Roommate pretty well. So of course he spent the first few minutes narrating and talking to himself about it. Then he tried talking to me about it. Now he's singing.

He just cannot be quiet. Ever. Now he's telling me about college swimming teams...

Hopefully my next entry will be a little more funny.

Seriously, he is a child.

Roommate's new favorite thing? Repeating stupid phrases until we tell him he needs to stop. A couple of days ago the three of us were driving home and Boyfriend used the word "gullet." It reminded me of an episode of the office, but I couldn't remember the line. Roommate thought of it and misquoted, "What, no mustard? No Phyllis, dip it in the water so it slides down your gullet." Then he repeated it. Again. And again. And again. And again. Literally every 20-30 seconds for about ten minutes. I was just about fuming, when Boyfriend finally said, "alright, we get it!"

AND THEN HE DID IT A FEW MORE TIMES. all the while, chuckling this stupid fake laugh to himself.

He makes me want to rip my hair out. No, he makes me want to rip his hair out.

Hello there.

Hi, I don't want to give away too much about who I am, but I suppose you deserve some backstory. I let two strangers, who were best friends, move in with me last year. They seemed nice and I needed help with rent. It has worked out favorably for me, for the most part. In the last year, I have fallen in love with one of them; the other... not so much.

I intend to document his misadventures for your pleasure and my sanity. For anonymity's sake, they will be Boyfriend and Roommate, I hope that's simple enough for you.

To start, here are some excerpts from messages I've been sending to a friend almost daily, just to keep from screaming.

OH MY GOD THE SLURPING
AND HE CHEWS AUDIBLY.
omg hes even drinking loudly
HOW DO YOU DRINK THIS LOUDLY

It's like living in a room full of garbage that speaks too loudly.

AND NOW HE'S EATING POPCORN AND IT SOUNDS WET, THAT'S HARD TO DO

He just came in and turned on a documentary... about killing dolphins.
Like, hey, I'm going to come take over the living room without even being like, "hey, do you care if I turn on the tv?" (because you know that I'm just going to be like, "oh that's fine") but then SUPRISE, MASS DOLPHIN SLAUGHTER

Snorting so strongly and so frequently must be ripping parts of his sinuses out and shooting them into his brain.

Ugh why arent you online? Roommate just came home and I'm pretty sure he is physically unable to stay quiet

IN.FUCKING.CAPABLE. humming, singing, yelling, whistling, slamming his feet around. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A GOD DAMNED BLINK OF AN EYE

Boyfriend is working today, Roommate is not. Roommate is currently facetiming his on and off girlfriend. She said, "how was work?" (I know this because facetime is on speakerphone. Awesome.) And he said, "not bad." What? Of course it wasn't bad for you, because you didn't work today, liar.

You wouldn't even believe this shit. Boyfriend made dinner and we ate and then laid down and waited for Roommate to wake up and eat and shower. We even left his dinner out... HE PICKED UP HIS PLATE AND CAME INTO MY ROOM TO SLURP UP HIS SPAGHETTI. HE CLEARLY ALREADY ATE HIS MEATBALLS THOUGH, SO HE JUST CAME IN HERE FOR THE LOUD PART. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Ugggggh and he just stood in my doorway making straining noises like he was like a 2 year old shitting. wtf.

OH MY GODDDD. I'm just trying to have a good lazy morning and watch some netflix. Roommate comes in, slurping coffee, talks to me over my show, chews wicked loudly, AND snorting. wtf. It's like a broken record of everything that makes me want to puke and scream.

This just in: he does not own a check book. He literally just asked Boyfriend to write a check for something and said he'd give him the money for it. Because HE DOES NOT HAVE A CHECK BOOK. He is a child.