Just kidding, it's not over!

Roommate stopped by tonight while Boyfriend and I were making dinner. I was in charge of salads, and I left them at our spots at the dinner table. Boyfriend was finishing up cooking and I left the room. Next thing you know, Roommate ate a pepperoncini out of my bowl with his fingers.

So lovely all the time. Thankfully, his cat allergy has gotten way worse living away from pets, so he can barely tolerate being here :)

The Grand Finale!

ROOMMATE IS GONE! 

And I survived!

It is some kind of miracle. He moved out and Boyfriend and I moved to a new place alone. In the mean time I haven't had internet so I have an awful lot to say here. We need some kind of timeline numbered list for this one.

1. Our landlord wanted to show the apartment. I mentioned to Boyfriend that I was worried about Roommate's bathroom and I was assured it would be cleaned. I secretly worried about it extra because Roommate had no stake in the security deposit, but I didn't want to stir up drama. This happened a few days before my last post, where we learned that Roommate was actually convinced that he did pay his part of the security deposit. My fears about the upstairs returned with a vengeance upon Roommate realizing that he officially paid $0 toward the security deposit.

2. Boyfriend and Roommate came home drunk one night, singing "fuck you thunder, you can suck our dicks!" which I assumed was from Family Guy. I wouldn't really care that they came home drunk, except that Roommate drove home that way, of course! Plus they were so completely obnoxious that it ruined the movie I was watching.

3. Time to move out: I stupidly trusted that the upstairs bathroom had already been cleaned.  I was so busy dealing with all of my own excessive belongings and room to clean that I didn't even think to double check the state of upstairs. Now that we are fully moved out (after LandlordWife assured us that the house was in great shape and we were fine, but that's a separate frustration) LandlordHusband says the upstairs bathroom hasn't been cleaned at all and we are going to be fined for the cleaning service he "had to" hire. Thankfully, the rest of the place was good so Boyfriend and I just pitched in a little for them to hire someone to clean it. Roommate paid no part of that, of course.

4. I saw Ted. That movie really could have been funny if it didn't hit so close to home. I swear to anything I hold dear to me, that bear might as well be Roommate. Except Roommate doesn't care enough to help when things get bad (because of him). Worst part? "FUCK YOU THUNDA! YOU CAN SUCK OUR DICKS!" I really didn't think foreshadowing happened in real life.


Goodbye My Idiot Roommate, thank you for being an escape and a place to vent; with your help, I made it through the longest five months of my life without ever losing my shit out loud. And now I bid you a fond farewell, and I thank heavens that this shit is over.

Actually, Roommate's going away party is next month and it is sure to be a shitshow, so I may come crawling back to you.

Nice try.

Boyfriend and I found a new apartment today and we were talking about what money we are getting back from this one. When we moved into this place, I paid 1/3 of the security deposit (thinking it was going to be split) but Boyfriend paid 2/3. Roommate paid exactly $0 towards the security deposit. I remember because I thought it was irritating and also because I worried that he wouldn't care about messing the place up.

But I worried needlessly, because Roommate had it in his head all this time that he did in fact pitch in towards the security deposit! You know, like an equal partner in this house. Not like broke mooch he has shown himself to be.

Silly Roommate, you get nothing.

*Sorry if my rage is showing, Roommate came home (and drove himself!) drunk tonight and proceeded to be loud, obnoxious, and inconsiderate for an awfully long time. I have no patience left and I'm wondering how I'll make it through this week.

Free falling, we get it. Does she do anything else?!

Yesterday, roommate sat on the porch 'playing guitar.' It was very nice out and he appreciates good weather. That's great! However, I think I've already conveyed how terrible he is at guitar. He sat on the front porch strumming... something and singing "Free Fallin" for at least two minutes. Not the song; just those two words on constant repeat. I can't lie, I secretly recorded it and sent it to my friend.

In better news! Roommate is moving out this week and then going far far away. Sadly, the blog is going to die. Happily, my sanity has a chance to recover.

Something positive?!

1. Roommate brought my laundry up from the basement while I was at work last night! It was awesome. I had an old roommate who would literally take my clothes out still completely wet and put them directly onto my bed. It wasn't even a passive aggressive move, he was just a bit of an inconsiderate idiot.

2. He was already in bed when I got home from work, so I left a note on the kitchen table saying "Thanks for bringing my laundry up!!" with a little debbie cake thing. This morning I woke up to a note in return saying "Thanks for letting me try on all of your underwear!!" Ohhh Roommate, we just can't have an entirely nice exchange, hahah.

Ew. Ew. Ew!

Roommate has random girls over in the middle of the night sometimes. It's pretty clear that he's ashamed of it, he tries to keep them a secret or at least keep us from finding out which girl it was. This is gross, but ultimately not my business so long as they don't mess with my cat or my things.

Wednesday night, I went to bed and put headphones on. At some point, I woke up and took them off. I heard what sounded like gasping, then realized it was a girl moaning. In that loud-and-fake kind of way.  I also remembered earlier that night, when roommate mentioned that he probably needed an HIV test. Point one: keep your pants on until you sort that out, douchebag. So i went downstairs to use my laptop in the kitchen. As I'm telling my friend how gross the noises are, I hear movement. Oh god, are they coming downstairs?! You betcha.

Here I am, sitting in my kitchen, using my laptop, lights on and noises going off- clearly here, certainly not asleep upstairs. And the two of them come down in towels. Point two: that is awkward as fuck. They proceed to get into the shower. My shower. Where I go to feel clean. I was literally sitting five feet away at the kitchen table, with a not-at-all-soundproof door between me and them. I will admit, Boyfriend and I have showered together, sure, but only when Roommate is nowhere to be found and definitely not coming home for a while. Certainly not when he can hear every move we make.

The best part was when the girl left and had to come back because she forgot her glasses. She apologized to me when I answered the door and I almost felt bad for her.

Here is my real problem: she didn't lock the door behind her.  This is the second Secret 4AM Girl in very recent history to leave the door unlocked. She is the second in a row, as far as I am aware of.  Point three: don't be a moron. Where did common sense go? If you have to unlock a door to open it, you should lock it again after you close it. Booooo.

Beautiful music... my ears are bleeding.

Roommate thinks he can play guitar pretty well... But in real life, he strums slowly along to the tune of the lyrics. It's the most awkward and unpleasant music I've heard outside of a circus.

Somewhere along the lines of Phoebe from Friends singing "Smelly Cat" Except that I live it, all the time, so there is no humor to be found. He also decides he likes a song and then plays the chorus over and over for days, if not longer.

If only you could hear the horror coming from my living room. Blegh.

Happy Birthday...

Sorry I've been neglecting this thing. I've been meaning to tell you about Roommate's birthday, but I just kept forgetting.

His birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Realizing that he loves to drink and drive and that Boyfriend might get caught up in the drinking, I offered to be the DD. What a great idea, right? Staying sober while Roommate gets drunk, even though I can barely stand him when he's sober. I'm sure you can imagine, it was obviously a real blast.

We were set to go out around 9. I was getting ready when I realized Roommate wasn't even awake at 8:45, so I took my time. I finished getting ready around 9:15 and he still wasn't awake. I started cleaning up my room and told Boyfriend that I didn't want to ditch Roommate, but I wasn't going to waste my night at home if he wasn't even going to wake up. Then their friend showed up.. this friend used to be very polite and funny.. and then his girlfriend broke up with him. Now he came with some pretty filthy tales about the girls he's been with lately, but I kept in my room and ignored it. At around 10:15, I heard Boyfriend on the phone saying, "alright, we're going out, I'll talk to you later" Wonderful! I'd been waiting about an hour at this point... Then I heard new beers opening. WTF, guys, I'm sitting around waiting just to be their DD. Finally I went out to them and said, "if you're not going out, I'm just going to leave now" and we finally got the show on the road. Bitch move? Maybe, but at least it got us out of the house. Plus, if they were happy to stay home, I was happy to go out on my own.

We go to the same bar all the time, so we went to a bar a couple of towns over for a change of scenery. We get there and sit down and everything was fine for a while. Then their friend noticed half of a birthday cake sitting on another table... so he got himself a slice. Embarrassing. Roommate noticed that his cousin was at the bar.. and he spent the night flirting, dancing, and doing shots with her. Also embarrassing, but it was pretty funny to watch.

Roommate came back from wooing his cousin and he was obviously drunk. He spit on the floor of the bar. Boyfriend and I both immediately yelled that he couldn't do that. A few minutes later, he did it again. Boyfriend and I yelled again. When he did it yet again, a few minutes later, I got pissed and said, "I'm not sitting here if you're going to keep doing that. It's disgusting and completely unacceptable." This finally got him to stop.

After that, he was just annoying and stupid, but I was crabby enough that I couldn't stand a word he said. I dropped the boys at home and rushed to my bar  just in time to get a drink with my friends at last call. Happy endings do exist!

Less funny, more disgusting.

Roommate needs to drop his car off an hour away, so he just left and Boyfriend took his car to follow him and drive him home. Roommate took three beers- for the drive. We have had serious, numerous problems with him drinking and driving, and he never fucking learns. This is why I refuse to go anywhere if he's driving.

And if anyone was curious about the body shaving incident... this is what I found in my trash. Please note that there isn't even a bag in the trash. In the year that we've lived together, he's never changed a bathroom trash. Ever. So he just left this for me or Boyfriend to deal with. It's honestly bigger than a baseball.
http://i39.tinypic.com/34haq9f.jpg
(Link, rather than embedded image, because I wouldn't force this on anyone.)

Ew.

Roommate has his own bathroom. It's upstairs and it's disgusting and we don't even go in it. I've peed in there exactly one time since we moved in (over 7 months ago) and I was so uncomfortable.

I've been home for over half an hour and Roommate has been in the downstairs bathroom (which he really only uses to shower) the entire time. He's shaving his entire body- for swimming, so we can hold back our judgment here for that part. He has come out once, to show me a handful of disgusting hair while I tried to eat dinner at the dinner table. He is a seriously hairy guy, I can't even explain how bad it is. And he's shaving his body in the bathroom that Boyfriend and I just cleaned.

His bathroom is small, I get it, ours is big and he can stretch out, but why the fuck does he have to do this shit? I just want to pee.

And an update already: I can hear him unrolling mass amounts of toilet paper now, presumably to clean up the hair that is probably everywhere. Please got don't let him try to flush this much toilet paper down my toilet. I still need to pee.

Ugh.

Listening to him eat just makes me so sad and irritated.

It sounds so wet and it's like he can't even keep food in his mouth, so then he makes this hoover noise to suck it back in before he loses it. And then he snorts and sniffles endlessly.

I think he may have just ruined my nice morning.

Creepy and Uncomfortable.

Roommate has this unpleasant habit. He loves to walk up to the doorway of whatever room we happen to be in, and just stand there staring at us. It is clearly a cry for attention, and I never give in. I will stare into my computer screen until my eyes hurt before I give into him. Boyfriend will look at him and ignore him, sometimes speaking to him, but we never acknowledge his stupid behavior. It is beyond irritating, it is weird and it always, ALWAYS makes me feel creeped out.

In short, I seem to have become a jaded bitch.

ALSO! Literally seconds after I hit the publish button, Roommate did something even creepier.  Boyfriend is in the shower and Roommate opened the bathroom door to ask him a question about running errands. He didn't simply speak from the doorway (which is about two feet from the shower... small bathroom) he went into the bathroom to speak to him. And while he was in there? He farted. Roommate creates the single most foul smells I've ever encountered; his car smells like a mix of old beer, farts, and wet towels.

Need for Speed or, "Something Other Than Gross Noises"

Last night Boyfriend dropped his car off to be fixed. That means we went home in a fancy new car. Boyfriend got out to pull my car out of the driveway so that fancy new car was tucked in away from our sketchy street. Roommate told him he'd pull fancy new car into the driveway.

I undid my seatbelt, ready to get out, when Roommate said, "want to see Boyfriend freak out? hang on!" and tore down the street like a crazy person. Boyfriend was not too happy.

Completely fucking reckless.

More noises.

Roommate and Boyfriend just got home from work. I'm watching tv on the couch. Roommate just came into the doorway, chewing loudly. Then he came and sat next to us, chewing loudly. Then Boyfriend said, "do you always chew with your mouth open?" Most people would be a little embarrassed and try to stop. Not Roommate though. This, of course, made him chew more loudly and even drink loudly, just to be annoying.

Not a grown up.

Really, just be quiet.

So Boyfriend and I were just watching tv and relaxing. Roommate came home and sounded like a tornado. He slammed the front door and ran up the stairs with lead feet, before coming into the living room and speaking over the TV for the last 15 minutes of the episode.

He continues to make the crazy snorting noise with his nose- it's like sniffling, if sniffling was on steroids. I'm sure that it's damaging his nose and maybe brain.

Once my show ended, he hooked his computer up to the tv.. and now we're watching a college swim meet. Boyfriend is in the shower and I've been ignoring Roommate pretty well. So of course he spent the first few minutes narrating and talking to himself about it. Then he tried talking to me about it. Now he's singing.

He just cannot be quiet. Ever. Now he's telling me about college swimming teams...

Hopefully my next entry will be a little more funny.

Seriously, he is a child.

Roommate's new favorite thing? Repeating stupid phrases until we tell him he needs to stop. A couple of days ago the three of us were driving home and Boyfriend used the word "gullet." It reminded me of an episode of the office, but I couldn't remember the line. Roommate thought of it and misquoted, "What, no mustard? No Phyllis, dip it in the water so it slides down your gullet." Then he repeated it. Again. And again. And again. And again. Literally every 20-30 seconds for about ten minutes. I was just about fuming, when Boyfriend finally said, "alright, we get it!"

AND THEN HE DID IT A FEW MORE TIMES. all the while, chuckling this stupid fake laugh to himself.

He makes me want to rip my hair out. No, he makes me want to rip his hair out.

Hello there.

Hi, I don't want to give away too much about who I am, but I suppose you deserve some backstory. I let two strangers, who were best friends, move in with me last year. They seemed nice and I needed help with rent. It has worked out favorably for me, for the most part. In the last year, I have fallen in love with one of them; the other... not so much.

I intend to document his misadventures for your pleasure and my sanity. For anonymity's sake, they will be Boyfriend and Roommate, I hope that's simple enough for you.

To start, here are some excerpts from messages I've been sending to a friend almost daily, just to keep from screaming.

OH MY GOD THE SLURPING
AND HE CHEWS AUDIBLY.
omg hes even drinking loudly
HOW DO YOU DRINK THIS LOUDLY

It's like living in a room full of garbage that speaks too loudly.

AND NOW HE'S EATING POPCORN AND IT SOUNDS WET, THAT'S HARD TO DO

He just came in and turned on a documentary... about killing dolphins.
Like, hey, I'm going to come take over the living room without even being like, "hey, do you care if I turn on the tv?" (because you know that I'm just going to be like, "oh that's fine") but then SUPRISE, MASS DOLPHIN SLAUGHTER

Snorting so strongly and so frequently must be ripping parts of his sinuses out and shooting them into his brain.

Ugh why arent you online? Roommate just came home and I'm pretty sure he is physically unable to stay quiet

IN.FUCKING.CAPABLE. humming, singing, yelling, whistling, slamming his feet around. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A GOD DAMNED BLINK OF AN EYE

Boyfriend is working today, Roommate is not. Roommate is currently facetiming his on and off girlfriend. She said, "how was work?" (I know this because facetime is on speakerphone. Awesome.) And he said, "not bad." What? Of course it wasn't bad for you, because you didn't work today, liar.

You wouldn't even believe this shit. Boyfriend made dinner and we ate and then laid down and waited for Roommate to wake up and eat and shower. We even left his dinner out... HE PICKED UP HIS PLATE AND CAME INTO MY ROOM TO SLURP UP HIS SPAGHETTI. HE CLEARLY ALREADY ATE HIS MEATBALLS THOUGH, SO HE JUST CAME IN HERE FOR THE LOUD PART. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Ugggggh and he just stood in my doorway making straining noises like he was like a 2 year old shitting. wtf.

OH MY GODDDD. I'm just trying to have a good lazy morning and watch some netflix. Roommate comes in, slurping coffee, talks to me over my show, chews wicked loudly, AND snorting. wtf. It's like a broken record of everything that makes me want to puke and scream.

This just in: he does not own a check book. He literally just asked Boyfriend to write a check for something and said he'd give him the money for it. Because HE DOES NOT HAVE A CHECK BOOK. He is a child.