Hello there.

Hi, I don't want to give away too much about who I am, but I suppose you deserve some backstory. I let two strangers, who were best friends, move in with me last year. They seemed nice and I needed help with rent. It has worked out favorably for me, for the most part. In the last year, I have fallen in love with one of them; the other... not so much.

I intend to document his misadventures for your pleasure and my sanity. For anonymity's sake, they will be Boyfriend and Roommate, I hope that's simple enough for you.

To start, here are some excerpts from messages I've been sending to a friend almost daily, just to keep from screaming.

OH MY GOD THE SLURPING
AND HE CHEWS AUDIBLY.
omg hes even drinking loudly
HOW DO YOU DRINK THIS LOUDLY

It's like living in a room full of garbage that speaks too loudly.

AND NOW HE'S EATING POPCORN AND IT SOUNDS WET, THAT'S HARD TO DO

He just came in and turned on a documentary... about killing dolphins.
Like, hey, I'm going to come take over the living room without even being like, "hey, do you care if I turn on the tv?" (because you know that I'm just going to be like, "oh that's fine") but then SUPRISE, MASS DOLPHIN SLAUGHTER

Snorting so strongly and so frequently must be ripping parts of his sinuses out and shooting them into his brain.

Ugh why arent you online? Roommate just came home and I'm pretty sure he is physically unable to stay quiet

IN.FUCKING.CAPABLE. humming, singing, yelling, whistling, slamming his feet around. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A GOD DAMNED BLINK OF AN EYE

Boyfriend is working today, Roommate is not. Roommate is currently facetiming his on and off girlfriend. She said, "how was work?" (I know this because facetime is on speakerphone. Awesome.) And he said, "not bad." What? Of course it wasn't bad for you, because you didn't work today, liar.

You wouldn't even believe this shit. Boyfriend made dinner and we ate and then laid down and waited for Roommate to wake up and eat and shower. We even left his dinner out... HE PICKED UP HIS PLATE AND CAME INTO MY ROOM TO SLURP UP HIS SPAGHETTI. HE CLEARLY ALREADY ATE HIS MEATBALLS THOUGH, SO HE JUST CAME IN HERE FOR THE LOUD PART. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Ugggggh and he just stood in my doorway making straining noises like he was like a 2 year old shitting. wtf.

OH MY GODDDD. I'm just trying to have a good lazy morning and watch some netflix. Roommate comes in, slurping coffee, talks to me over my show, chews wicked loudly, AND snorting. wtf. It's like a broken record of everything that makes me want to puke and scream.

This just in: he does not own a check book. He literally just asked Boyfriend to write a check for something and said he'd give him the money for it. Because HE DOES NOT HAVE A CHECK BOOK. He is a child.