The Grand Finale!

ROOMMATE IS GONE! 

And I survived!

It is some kind of miracle. He moved out and Boyfriend and I moved to a new place alone. In the mean time I haven't had internet so I have an awful lot to say here. We need some kind of timeline numbered list for this one.

1. Our landlord wanted to show the apartment. I mentioned to Boyfriend that I was worried about Roommate's bathroom and I was assured it would be cleaned. I secretly worried about it extra because Roommate had no stake in the security deposit, but I didn't want to stir up drama. This happened a few days before my last post, where we learned that Roommate was actually convinced that he did pay his part of the security deposit. My fears about the upstairs returned with a vengeance upon Roommate realizing that he officially paid $0 toward the security deposit.

2. Boyfriend and Roommate came home drunk one night, singing "fuck you thunder, you can suck our dicks!" which I assumed was from Family Guy. I wouldn't really care that they came home drunk, except that Roommate drove home that way, of course! Plus they were so completely obnoxious that it ruined the movie I was watching.

3. Time to move out: I stupidly trusted that the upstairs bathroom had already been cleaned.  I was so busy dealing with all of my own excessive belongings and room to clean that I didn't even think to double check the state of upstairs. Now that we are fully moved out (after LandlordWife assured us that the house was in great shape and we were fine, but that's a separate frustration) LandlordHusband says the upstairs bathroom hasn't been cleaned at all and we are going to be fined for the cleaning service he "had to" hire. Thankfully, the rest of the place was good so Boyfriend and I just pitched in a little for them to hire someone to clean it. Roommate paid no part of that, of course.

4. I saw Ted. That movie really could have been funny if it didn't hit so close to home. I swear to anything I hold dear to me, that bear might as well be Roommate. Except Roommate doesn't care enough to help when things get bad (because of him). Worst part? "FUCK YOU THUNDA! YOU CAN SUCK OUR DICKS!" I really didn't think foreshadowing happened in real life.


Goodbye My Idiot Roommate, thank you for being an escape and a place to vent; with your help, I made it through the longest five months of my life without ever losing my shit out loud. And now I bid you a fond farewell, and I thank heavens that this shit is over.

Actually, Roommate's going away party is next month and it is sure to be a shitshow, so I may come crawling back to you.

Nice try.

Boyfriend and I found a new apartment today and we were talking about what money we are getting back from this one. When we moved into this place, I paid 1/3 of the security deposit (thinking it was going to be split) but Boyfriend paid 2/3. Roommate paid exactly $0 towards the security deposit. I remember because I thought it was irritating and also because I worried that he wouldn't care about messing the place up.

But I worried needlessly, because Roommate had it in his head all this time that he did in fact pitch in towards the security deposit! You know, like an equal partner in this house. Not like broke mooch he has shown himself to be.

Silly Roommate, you get nothing.

*Sorry if my rage is showing, Roommate came home (and drove himself!) drunk tonight and proceeded to be loud, obnoxious, and inconsiderate for an awfully long time. I have no patience left and I'm wondering how I'll make it through this week.

Free falling, we get it. Does she do anything else?!

Yesterday, roommate sat on the porch 'playing guitar.' It was very nice out and he appreciates good weather. That's great! However, I think I've already conveyed how terrible he is at guitar. He sat on the front porch strumming... something and singing "Free Fallin" for at least two minutes. Not the song; just those two words on constant repeat. I can't lie, I secretly recorded it and sent it to my friend.

In better news! Roommate is moving out this week and then going far far away. Sadly, the blog is going to die. Happily, my sanity has a chance to recover.

Something positive?!

1. Roommate brought my laundry up from the basement while I was at work last night! It was awesome. I had an old roommate who would literally take my clothes out still completely wet and put them directly onto my bed. It wasn't even a passive aggressive move, he was just a bit of an inconsiderate idiot.

2. He was already in bed when I got home from work, so I left a note on the kitchen table saying "Thanks for bringing my laundry up!!" with a little debbie cake thing. This morning I woke up to a note in return saying "Thanks for letting me try on all of your underwear!!" Ohhh Roommate, we just can't have an entirely nice exchange, hahah.

Ew. Ew. Ew!

Roommate has random girls over in the middle of the night sometimes. It's pretty clear that he's ashamed of it, he tries to keep them a secret or at least keep us from finding out which girl it was. This is gross, but ultimately not my business so long as they don't mess with my cat or my things.

Wednesday night, I went to bed and put headphones on. At some point, I woke up and took them off. I heard what sounded like gasping, then realized it was a girl moaning. In that loud-and-fake kind of way.  I also remembered earlier that night, when roommate mentioned that he probably needed an HIV test. Point one: keep your pants on until you sort that out, douchebag. So i went downstairs to use my laptop in the kitchen. As I'm telling my friend how gross the noises are, I hear movement. Oh god, are they coming downstairs?! You betcha.

Here I am, sitting in my kitchen, using my laptop, lights on and noises going off- clearly here, certainly not asleep upstairs. And the two of them come down in towels. Point two: that is awkward as fuck. They proceed to get into the shower. My shower. Where I go to feel clean. I was literally sitting five feet away at the kitchen table, with a not-at-all-soundproof door between me and them. I will admit, Boyfriend and I have showered together, sure, but only when Roommate is nowhere to be found and definitely not coming home for a while. Certainly not when he can hear every move we make.

The best part was when the girl left and had to come back because she forgot her glasses. She apologized to me when I answered the door and I almost felt bad for her.

Here is my real problem: she didn't lock the door behind her.  This is the second Secret 4AM Girl in very recent history to leave the door unlocked. She is the second in a row, as far as I am aware of.  Point three: don't be a moron. Where did common sense go? If you have to unlock a door to open it, you should lock it again after you close it. Booooo.

Beautiful music... my ears are bleeding.

Roommate thinks he can play guitar pretty well... But in real life, he strums slowly along to the tune of the lyrics. It's the most awkward and unpleasant music I've heard outside of a circus.

Somewhere along the lines of Phoebe from Friends singing "Smelly Cat" Except that I live it, all the time, so there is no humor to be found. He also decides he likes a song and then plays the chorus over and over for days, if not longer.

If only you could hear the horror coming from my living room. Blegh.

Happy Birthday...

Sorry I've been neglecting this thing. I've been meaning to tell you about Roommate's birthday, but I just kept forgetting.

His birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Realizing that he loves to drink and drive and that Boyfriend might get caught up in the drinking, I offered to be the DD. What a great idea, right? Staying sober while Roommate gets drunk, even though I can barely stand him when he's sober. I'm sure you can imagine, it was obviously a real blast.

We were set to go out around 9. I was getting ready when I realized Roommate wasn't even awake at 8:45, so I took my time. I finished getting ready around 9:15 and he still wasn't awake. I started cleaning up my room and told Boyfriend that I didn't want to ditch Roommate, but I wasn't going to waste my night at home if he wasn't even going to wake up. Then their friend showed up.. this friend used to be very polite and funny.. and then his girlfriend broke up with him. Now he came with some pretty filthy tales about the girls he's been with lately, but I kept in my room and ignored it. At around 10:15, I heard Boyfriend on the phone saying, "alright, we're going out, I'll talk to you later" Wonderful! I'd been waiting about an hour at this point... Then I heard new beers opening. WTF, guys, I'm sitting around waiting just to be their DD. Finally I went out to them and said, "if you're not going out, I'm just going to leave now" and we finally got the show on the road. Bitch move? Maybe, but at least it got us out of the house. Plus, if they were happy to stay home, I was happy to go out on my own.

We go to the same bar all the time, so we went to a bar a couple of towns over for a change of scenery. We get there and sit down and everything was fine for a while. Then their friend noticed half of a birthday cake sitting on another table... so he got himself a slice. Embarrassing. Roommate noticed that his cousin was at the bar.. and he spent the night flirting, dancing, and doing shots with her. Also embarrassing, but it was pretty funny to watch.

Roommate came back from wooing his cousin and he was obviously drunk. He spit on the floor of the bar. Boyfriend and I both immediately yelled that he couldn't do that. A few minutes later, he did it again. Boyfriend and I yelled again. When he did it yet again, a few minutes later, I got pissed and said, "I'm not sitting here if you're going to keep doing that. It's disgusting and completely unacceptable." This finally got him to stop.

After that, he was just annoying and stupid, but I was crabby enough that I couldn't stand a word he said. I dropped the boys at home and rushed to my bar  just in time to get a drink with my friends at last call. Happy endings do exist!